


The Human I Am

by our_black_heart



Series: Circles [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Babysitting, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Domestic Avengers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 13:50:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7937089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/our_black_heart/pseuds/our_black_heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky babysits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Human I Am

**Author's Note:**

> The Human I Am is a song by This Good Robot and it's amazing.

Bucky doesn’t know what gets him to say yes, but he’s the only one available while the others are on a mission this week. He and Steve had a talk with Fury and they all unanimously decided that Bucky needed a break. He’s been getting a lot better, gaining autonomy in a lot of different ways and now he just feels tired. Arguably, he’d have a better time if Steve were here, but he takes what he’s given and he’s thankful for it. That is until Clint arrives just before the squad is arranged to take off, baby tucked into his arm, diaper bag barely hanging off of his left shoulder. 

“Steve said you’d watch him. I’m assuming you two talked about this beforehand, but I could be totally wrong.” 

“Whoa, whoa! What are you doing, you can’t leave this with me! Steve left like thirty minutes ago, he didn’t say anything about this!” 

“This" is a baby and he needs to be taken care of. Look if there were any other person I could trust him with, I wouldn’t be here. I think you’ll be good at it though, I think you’re ready.” 

“You trust me with your tiny kid?”

“Yeah, I trust you with my baby. That’s what I believe I just said.”

Bucky sighs deeply. This is not what he’s here for. 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll take care of your baby.”

“Thanks, I’m just going to put him on the bed, cause he’s sleeping. Check up on him every twenty minutes or so.” 

“Okay, yeah. Just go…Oh and Barton…”

“Yeah?” 

“Make sure Steve doesn’t do anything stupid.”

Clint smiles in that all-knowing, annoying way. 

“I’ll watch your kid if you watch mine!” he waves goodbye without turning around. Bucky watches the door shut behind him and waits a few minutes before freaking out.

He’s hyper aware of the little bundle that Clint placed lovingly on his bed, the kid is swaddled and sleeping on top of his new duvet that he and Steve just picked up at the Ikea. The baby makes the room look lived in. The lights are dimmed and the curtains are pulled up, the sky is growing darker with night and all Bucky can think about is the baby. He leaves the lights dimmed, not wanting to leave the child in complete darkness. He knows what that’s like and he wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, particularly not anyone helpless. 

He goes on about his life, trying really hard to focus on himself. He tries to read, but he ends up rereading the same sentence over and over again. Not retaining any information. 

He rolls his eyes and takes another deep breath. He can do this. 

It’s not long before he finds himself by his bedroom door again, he doesn’t have it in himself to go in, but he watches from the doorway. Nothing in the room is in motion, the baby is still sleeping like he was eight minutes ago. Unbothered and untouched. Bucky loses track of time, before he knows it his phone is going off in the living room. It’s loud and intrusive, he had forgotten that he had set an alarm for every twenty minutes to make sure that he was periodically checking up on the kid. He runs over to turn it off, his socked feet sliding on the glossy wooden floor. If Bucky were a religious man, he’d pray that the noise didn’t wake the kid. But he’s not religious, not anymore. He’s also not so lucky. He hears the beginning of what he thinks might be a complete toddler breakdown. It begins with a soft, sad purring, followed by a little wheezing. It isn’t long before the kid breaks out into a staccato of all out screeching. He doesn’t know what to do. Some part of him wants to hold the baby, he stalks into the room like a man on a mission and for the most part, he is. It’s instinctual the way he picks the baby up, with one hand cradling its head and the other holding the body. It calms down, but does not stop. He vaguely remembers the diaper bag. He remembers the slippery socks and walks as carefully as he can, baby still in arm. The diaper bag is equipped, well equipped. There’s formula for days, breast milk and even water. Bucky doesn’t even think about it, he’s warming up a bottle and testing it on his own hand before he realizes what he’s doing and then he’s feeding the child that seems to be subdued for the moment being. 

Everything seems to be going okay, Bucky’s broken a sweat, but he and the baby are okay. He’s sitting on the couch, burping the child when the heaviness hits. He’s thought about it for too long, why is he good at this? Why is this as easy as it is? He considers that maybe it’s an innate thing, but his mind isn’t at ease with that answer. He’s done this before, he thinks. Otherwise he wouldn’t be as comfortable with the child, but he can’t remember when or where. His head starts to hurt again, like it usually does. It’s uncomfortable in a way that he’s doesn’t want the child to be exposed too. The baby burps and Bucky takes him back into the bedroom, he builds a little box with pillows to surround the child, just to make sure he doesn’t fall off the bed. And then he sits in the corner, the room feels too stuffy, too hot. His headache is threatening to be painful, it makes his brain feel like it’s going to explode because of the pressure. He’s grinding his teeth and fighting back the memories that are trying to escape him, he never knows if they’re going to be good or bad.

He can’t control it. 

It was his sister. She was a small baby, smaller than the one he’s supposed to be watching now. His mother breastfeeds her and hands her over to Bucky for him to burp. When he finally gets her to burp, he sets her down on the bed and waits for her to need a diaper change. She’s cute in a way that he would never really admit, but he knows he loves her and he knows that as a big brother it is his duty to watch over her. He whispered a promise to his baby sister, he won’t ever let anyone hurt her. Obviously, he didn’t get to fulfill that promise. He was gone before she reached the age of thirteen and he recently discovered that she had long passed. The memory lessened the headache, but it worsened the heartache. Bucky didn’t get to be the man he planned on being. Not to his family and not for Steve, he was different now and as much as he was getting to like his new self, he missed the man he could’ve been. 

He calls Steve. It’s a last minute decision, he does it before he gets the chance to hesitate and Steve answers right away. 

“Hey, sweetheart. How’s it going?”

“Are you busy?” 

“Never when it comes to you, you know that.”

“Are you on the field right now?”

“Well, yeah but…”

“No buts, I’ll call you later.”

“No, it’s fine honey. I promise, I’m safe. Using my headset Bluetooth.”

“I don’t want to have kids, Steve.”

“Oh, Buck. No, that’s not what this is about. I didn’t do this to set you up or try to persuade you. I didn’t even think about that.”

“I know, but I felt like I should tell you. I don’t think I’m ready to be a father. Not any time soon, maybe not ever.”

“Okay, I get that, Buck.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry, sweetheart. We can discuss later, when I get home. If this is too much for you we can send Clint back early.”

“NO! It’s fine. I don’t…I don’t hate the kid. I like having it around. It just brings up feelings and I don’t think I want to do this full time and I am sorry, because I know you’ve always wanted to have kids and I just don’t think that’s going to happen with me. I’m sorry.” 

“I love you. You know that. Buck, I gave up wanting to have kids a long time ago. I’m not that person anymore.”

And all of a sudden, Bucky feels nauseous. He feels guilty in a way that he knows he can’t necessarily control and it makes him feel sick. 

“I don’t feel good, Steve.”

“I’m coming home okay, Buck? Just wait for me, I’ll head home right now and I’ll be back in an hour or so. Okay?”

Bucky nods and understands that Steve can’t see it. 

“Okay, Bucky?”

“Yeah, okay.”

When Steve rushes through the door he looks like a mess. He’s got his civies on and his eyes are huge and stressed. 

“Oh, honey. It smells awful in here. I think little Nathan needs a diaper change.” His nose is scrunched up, face twisted in slight disgust. Bucky would think it was cute if he didn’t feel like a complete incompetent, idiot. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told Clint that you’d watch him without asking you first. I just thought, I just…thought…”

“That I was ready?”

Steve nods. 

“Yeah, well I wasn’t. I’m not, I mean.”

“I’m sorry, Buck.”

“I’m sorry, Steve.” Steve leans down, cradles his head like the baby that Bucky actually is and kisses his forehead. It’s cool and it makes his headache dwindle down into nothingness. 

“I’m going to change, Nathan and then we can talk some more, okay?”

Bucky nods. 

A few minutes later, Steve walks over to Bucky with the baby in hand. Nathan is blinking sleepily and his little hands are curling around Steve’s big fingers. Bucky thinks Steve looks so beautiful like this and he wants Steve to have kids, but he doesn’t want kids himself. At least not now or in the near future. 

“I want to be able to give this to you some day.”

“I know you do, Buck, but you don’t need too. Like I said, this wasn’t a test.”

Bucky lays his head on Steve’s shoulder. He sticks a metal finger out and Nathan immediately drops Steve’s and holds onto his. 

“I don’t want this, but I see it in your eyes. You do. I can do this if you want it. You just gotta let me know.”

“Honestly, Buck? I do, I want this. Maybe not now, obviously, but I am going to someday.”

“I can do someday.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.” They share a kiss, one that Nathan follows intently with his big green eyes. 

“I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry, they probably need you. You can go back now, I can probably handle this from here.”

“Nah, I think it’s time that I also take a break. You’re here now and that’s important to me, I hate to say it, but it’s more important than anything else.”

“Ugh, why are we like this?” Steve smiles, deeply and honestly. 

“Because we deserve to be.” Bucky agrees and he thinks that maybe Nathan agrees too.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think. If there are any spelling or grammatical errors, I will fix them in the morning once I'm fully functional. Thanks.


End file.
